After the success of “Top Gun: Maverick” Paramount announced Monday that it would reboot many other 1980s hits, including:
Breakfast Club 2: Back in Detention
John Bender (Judd Hirsch) is now principal at Shermer High, having given up his delinquent ways after that fateful Saturday in 1984 when he made friends that would last a lifetime. Bender decides to call an all-school assembly, on a Saturday, in the school library where he and Andrew Clark (Emilio Estevez), now a successful college wrestling coach, will talk about how not to prejudge people. During the assembly, the school’s newly installed man trap – a gift from the NRA – malfunctions when it mistook someone opening a pop can as gun fire, locking all the students inside. Worse yet, Bender had asked all students to leave their phones behind so they could truly connect with each other.
Bender, Clark, and 178 teens then sit cross-legged for the next few hours talking about their problems.
“Any of your dads ever tell you to ‘smoke up, Johnny?’” Bender asks.
“No,” says Allison (Millie Bobbie Brown) “But we do worry about this pandemic, the unaffordability of college, our dying planet, school shootings, our crumbling political institutions; not to mention that half of our parents think all this school is full of woke, lefty perverts who hate America.”
Bender and Clark look at each other anxiously.
“I better figure out how to get these doors unlocked,” Bender says before heading into the air vents. He eventually falls through into the janitor’s closet where he finds his marijuana stash that he’d hidden all those years ago.
After unlocking the library doors, Bender, Clark and the kids all spark one and sing “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” while holding hands.
The film goes meta during the credits when Bender and Clark debate whether Ally Sheedy was actually hotter than Molly Ringwald.
Cocoon 2X
It’s the exact same movie only with a lot more fucking.
ET: The Nextra Terrestrial
Elliot (Henry Thomas) and Gertie (Drew Barrymore) find themselves on the outs with each other and life. Elliot was rich as a teen after his book “My Alien Friend” became a best seller and was optioned into a movie, but he foolishly invested it in an E.T.-branded cereal – Phone Home MMMMS – that turned kids’ tongues permanently gray. He spent the next 35 years flunking out of college and failing at real estate, time-share sales, fork lift operating, and bedazzling. He still lives at home to “take care” of his mother, though all he really does run to the CVS for her meds and turn off the TV when she falls asleep to Tucker Carlson.
Gertie became an activist while at Smith College and carried E.T.’s message of spiritual oneness with her wherever she went. But she’s been begun to question the political system’s ability to solve problems and has been in a prolonged depression after being communications director for the Kirsten Gillibrand presidential campaign. She mopes around her yurt with partner Felicity (Anne Heche).
Enter Etty, the son of the original E.T. who, because of advanced age and passport complications, isn’t able to make it to Earth. Etty, who has four fingers that light up, brings the sparring siblings together for the first time since Elliot admitted to his sister that he voted for Bob Dole.
Etty decides to remain on Earth where he, Gertie, and Elliot start a popular podcast about flying bicycles.
And in a bit of fan service, Erika Eleniak reprises her groundbreaking role as Pretty Girl (look it up).
Rambo IV: Even More First Blood
John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone and an unnamed and much younger body double) spends 117 minutes kicking the ass of the Viet Cong, the Russians, the Mujahadeen, ISIS, Mexican drug cartels, the ACLU, Prius-driving liberals, men who hug other men, CRT-promoting teachers, and, in a climactic scene, the reanimated corpse of Benito Mussolini (the first draft had Rambo punching out a zombified Adolph Hitler but the studio worried that might cause a boycott in Israel and Germany).
At film’s end, Rambo is presented the Medal of Valor by Ronald Reagan, now in the 41st year of his presidency.
52 Candles
Another John Hughes classic is reprised as Sam Baker (Molly Ringwald) celebrates her 52nd birthday with her husband Jake (Michael Schoeffling) and next-door-neighbor Ted Farmer (Rob Thompson, an actor who kinda looks like Anthony Michael Hall; Hall refused to participate reportedly telling the studio “Can’t you people come up with an idea from this century?”)
The three have dinner, talking about old times, then the balding, tubby Jake declines a piece of cake because of his diabetes.
“I better hit the hay. I’ll go ahead and sleep in the guest room; got a feeling tonight’s gonna be another toot-fest,” he said, slapping his belly. “Are my Breath-Right strips on the night stand, hun?”
“Yes,” Sam says, the lilt in her voice long surrendered to the reality that she gave away her heart too easily.
Ted is still in love with Sam, and even though years of chronic masturbation has left him largely impotent, he sees an opportunity to confess his long-held feelings. But before he can say anything, Sam takes his hand and says, “Ted, you ever wonder what would have happened if I’d given you my underwear for real?”
And just as they are about to kiss, Ted says, “Say, what was up with Long Duk Dong? Did someone really hit a gong every time he showed up?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t the best,” Sam says.
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