Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg recently announced he was removing fact checkers from Facebook and Instagram claiming that fact checking was creating more problems than it solved.
With that in mind, MMW News Service is publishing a new biography of Zuckerberg with many previously unknown details.
Zuckerberg was torn from the thigh of Zeus – not the Greek god but the owner of Zoomin’ Zues’ Bustier Laundromat with locations in Camden, Asbury Park, and Trenton (but not the one in Hoboken, which was forced to change its name after Zues sued) – in 1922. He lived as a gelatinous blob on the Jersey shore until 1934 when wreckage from the SS Sinky Sue – a merchant vessel carrying onion peelers, craft handbags, and weapons-grade estrogen – washed up. Amid the resulting sludge, Zuckerberg was formed.
As a child, he worked on the boardwalk selling maps to Mafia body-dumping locations and using his hook-like trunk to hustle games of shuffleboard. He then took a job with a green grocer that sold only chard, but after a heated argument with his boss over whether Guy Fawkes Day counted as a paid holiday, Zuckerberg unhinged his jaw and ate the man.
Dozens of cannibalistic acts later, Zuckerberg made his television debut in an episode of “Ozzie and Harriet: After Dark” an ill-fated comedy that attempted to show the saucier side of the iconic TV couple. During its three-episode run, Zuckerberg – performing under the name Robert Simpson because the producers told him “Mark Zuckerberg” sounded too ethnic – became famous for his catch phrase “Now that’s a mean plate of baklava.”
Following surgery to give him a more human-ish appearance, Zuckerberg used the money he’d stolen from DB Cooper to open a haberdashery that sold pocket octagons, which he found more complex and trendy than their square counterparts. He used the 999,997 left from his original purchase of a million to make a mural that reads “There are no bad ideas.” It still hangs in his office at One Meta Place.
After a brief stint as a veterinarian who specialized in euthanizing pet rocks whose quality of life was low, The White Cobra – a nickname friends tell him he’s trying too hard to make stick – achieved his greatest success as a voice talent reading James Joyce novels, complete with an Irish accent. A Reader's Digest reviewer of the books-on-tape series said Zuckerberg “Sounded like a German guy trying, but failing, to take a shit.”
After that, Zuckerberg attended Harvard, stole the idea for Facebook from those brothers who were really good a rowing, and then set about creating a digital world that could serve as hellscape for teens, a forum for bigotry and lies, and a way to learn that the person who you broke up with at prom is, unlike you, thin, sober, and happy.
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